If you haven’t noticed, we’re still living in the shadow of a pretty huge virus that shook the world in an awful way. A slightly less important and deadly virus is the phenomenon of Olivia Rodrigo knock-offs making rounds on the social media platform TikTok. It was easy to ignore this a few months ago when none of these had broken into the mainstream, but I’ve been hearing these on the radio more and more and…I think it’s about time I vent my frustrations with them.
I can only assume that some people will have an issue with the idea of people ripping off Olivia Rodrigo, when…let’s be honest, her debut record Sour wasn’t exactly the most original record in the world either. It has the smatterings of artists like Paramore, Lorde and Taylor Swift all over it, but for the record, she’s a decent songwriter anyway. None of the entries on this list have a line half as well-composed as “I guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me, because you said forever, now I drive alone past your street,” I can tell you that much.
Another thing I want to mention before getting on with the list is the songs that didn’t count but could have made a less inclusive list. Songs like “You Broke Me First” by Tate McRae, which is more of a Billie Eilish knock-off, or anything by the band Tramp Stamps who… is a band that I have no idea how to tackle. In terms of TikTok artists that I like (just so I’m not fully negative throughout this entire piece), I can point to the new song by Honey Revenge, some of Addison Grace’s work if you’re into that, and all of Isabel Pless’ work so far. I personally can’t wait to see a full debut studio record.
With my preamble, and hopefully the acknowledgment that the people reading this shouldn’t go after these artists, out of the way, let’s start the list proper with….
6. “Numb Little Bug” by Em Beihold.
Ranking at the bottom of this list is “Numb Little Bug,” one of the many downbeat, unsatisfying entries I’ll be discussing today. It’s not a breakup ballad like most Olivia Rodrigo riffs are, but…you know, contrary to what a lot of critics will tell you, Sour‘s runtime is not exclusively made up of breakup songs. There are a few that focus way more on general unhappiness and dissatisfaction, which frankly makes for some of the album’s more interesting moments.
“Numb Little Bug” not necessarily having the same subject matter as most of these entries helped its case a great deal when it came time for me to actually rank them. That doesn’t mean it’s not flavorless and bland though, which it definitely is. Like most songs chosen for this list, all of this song’s lyrics are meandering and trying to hit basic themes without actually sounding at all invested in them.
It uses metaphors and similes like snapping like a twig or being a…floating ball about to break? I’m not totally sure what that second one means, which opens up for me that all of those metaphors and similes I praised a second ago are either generic or confusing, which makes quite a bit of sense in hindsight. I appreciate the thought and message behind it, but even the hook just reflects more generic thoughts about mental health.
For a song about big mental health issues like dissociation, derealization and depression, it’s really dull and has shockingly little to say about any of it. It’s a song that exists, and that’s just about all I can acknowledge about it. It is funny to me that the other day I heard a DJ doing a radio spot talking about the “sound of the summer,” and then immediately playing a clip of a mediocre song about depression and emotional burnout. That’s perfect, I have no complaints.
5. “ABCDEFU” by Gayle.
I get the feeling this placement is going to surprise some people. Even outside of the criticsphere, I can’t name many people who don’t think “abcdefu” is just the tiniest bit awful. And I’m certainly not going to tell you this song is good, but compared to most of my entries for this list, I would choose to listen to this track any day of the week. I even thought about placing “Numb Little Bug” above this song, but I don’t want to get crucified more than I have to.
But I’ll give credit where credit’s due and say that…I kind of like the melody. It’s too abrasive to appreciate outside of just trying to be nice, but it’s possibly the least annoying of anything on this list. I appreciate that “abcdefu” is…well, it’s not a good line, I don’t know how upset the song’s target was after hearing it, but it’s a gimmick nonetheless, which sets it apart from the rest of the toothless, mushy music loaf that makes up the rest of this list.
It’s built around the bluntest insult that there is, even if it feels to playful to actually have any sort of bite. What I’m saying is that this felt more effective when CeeLo Green made his own “F**k You” anthem in the early 2010s. I don’t even like that song that much, but I appreciate that it knows what it’s trying to be way more than this. Outside of the chorus, nothing about “abcdefu” really stands out as being memorable or noteworthy though, which makes me worry about Gayle’s career going forward, assuming it does go forward.
Which…judging by her singing voice, I don’t really know if I want her to stay famous. I didn’t actually notice this until I listened to all of my selections over and over again so I could make a full list of notes for this list, but Gayle is definitely slurring almost every single word she’s trying to sing here. Ninety percent of these words sound unfinished. And it’s not in the same way that Billie Eilish chokes on her words, she’s singing loud and clear. I would bet more money on Gayle just not having that great of a singing coach. Or any at all.
4. “Fingers Crossed” by Lauren Spencer-Smith.
I said in my intro that one song I couldn’t include for the purposes of my list was “You Broke Me First” by Tate McRae, and I mean it when I say I want so badly to include it. It was my least favorite hit song of 2021 without question, and I haven’t gotten a chance to really thrash it in a public setting. “Fingers Crossed” by Lauren Spencer-Smith is not as bad as that other song, but it shares most of the same issues, so I’m counting this as my throughline.
If I wasn’t so sure that these artists were industry plants or industry plant-adjacent, I would feel bad about punching down at a somewhat sincere-sounding breakup song like this. But I’m sorry, everything about this bothers me. “You Broke Me First” sounds downbeat and dreary, which is one of my biggest gripes with it, and “Fingers Crossed” feels the same. Not in the way that breakup songs frequently sound dreary, but in the way that the song and everyone involved in making it just sound tired.
This is true to me except for one thing, being that Lauren Spencer-Smith says almost every line here with a ridiculous, corny rockstar balladeer voice that clashes horribly with everything else going on. It’s impossible for me to take a second of this seriously no matter how hard I try. It all just sounds like a mishmash of tones and ideas that would feel slightly less out of place in some insane experimental piece than in what’s supposed to be a simple love song.
But the thing that makes me connect this to “You Broke Me First” the most isn’t any of that. The worst part of both of these songs is that even if you can get invested in these lyrics or their performances or even just the vibe of the track, both of these choruses end on a whimper of a nothing of a line. Tate McRae’s song needed to have a stronger close than “well, you started it,” and no matter how young she is, as a professional songwriter, Spencer-Smith definitely should have figured out a stronger, more cutting line than “when you said you loved me, you must have had your fingers crossed.” This isn’t on par with “Drivers License,” this is barely a learner’s permit.
3. “Kinda Over It” by Maddy Hicks.
Now here’s a grizzly little item that must be taken care of. While most of the songs on this list are either the ex being vengeful or otherwise emotional about the breakup in question, Maddy Hicks chooses the age-old approach of pretending not to care. Now, to be clear, I really don’t like criticizing anything or anyone by saying “you say you don’t care, but you went through the time to talk this much about it, so clearly you do care.” It’s a comeback that usually reeks of desperation.
Sometimes, though, the insult is too difficult not to use. On one hand, I see how people can listen to these lyrics and think “boy, this guy seems like a real jerk.” Using past trauma as an excuse to treat someone poorly is incredibly toxic and immediately makes a man not worth the effort. But these insults, you know, they’re often just hidden among vague comments like “you didn’t give a damn,” or “on occasion, you didn’t answer the phone when I called.”
And if they’re not hidden among vague comments, they’re hidden among remarks that make me think this guy might have dodged a bullet. The second line of the entire song is “I’m kinda over acting like the shit you like is so original and cool,” which…is a pretty bad sign off the bat. If you couldn’t even try to engage with each others’ interests, maybe this wasn’t a relationship to get all that worked up about when it ends.
If you pressed me to say something nice about this song, I guess I can say that I like how clean the guitar work sounds. It’s so clean that I’m pretty sure it was just made with a MIDI keyboard and a beats application, but if that appeared in a better song I think I would appreciate it. But it’s not in a better song, it’s in this obnoxious, confused disaster that fails to improve upon a blank tape played for the exact same length of time. Or at least not in a way that doesn’t infuriate me.
2. “U Love U” by Jax (feat. JVKE).
It only takes twenty-five seconds to figure out that the four people who wrote this might have something seriously wrong with them. For most people, the realization comes when the hook comes in and people discover that the song samples the theme song for “Barney the Dinosaur.” That’s right, this choice officially makes this song on the same creative artistic level as that “No More Purple Dinosaur” parody that edgy kids sing on the playground.
But honestly, I hated “U Love U” well before the hook came into play. Frankly, the “Barney” sample is one of the best things about the song. Because if this didn’t have that sample, it would be the single most clumsily written song I had ever heard. This song is the only entry on this list that isn’t about toxic relationships or being a spiteful, crazy ex-girlfriend. Which…you know, is acceptable. You’re in a happy relationship and you’re satisfied with your life, nothing wrong with that.
But it really doesn’t work as a song, or at least not in this context. This doesn’t even sound like a love song to me, for the most part, “U Love U” just sounds like indifference. If it is a love song, it’s just one step away from “Better Man” by Pearl Jam. Maybe at this point, you’re wondering what this song could possibly have to do with Olivia Rodrigo. It’s not about a breakup, it’s full of EDM beats and 808s, and it’s featuring a Rex Orange County ripoff which Rodrigo never relied on.
My initial answer was something similar to…honestly, I just wanted an opportunity to vent about this song in particular and inserted it into a blog post where it sounded reasonable. But then I realized, wait…this is inspired by Olivia Rodrigo, and anyone else coming out of a scummy relationship. It’s a subtweet, it’s a quiet diss track. These lyrics convey an overwhelming sense of pride in their happy relationship, occasionally using the lyrics to act like they’re the very first couple to figure out this incredible trick. I’m sure Jax and JVKE are perfectly fine people, but based on this track alone, I can only see the narrators as raging egomaniacs.
1. “10 Things I Hate About You” by Leah Kate.
And yet, it always comes back to the snark. The toxicity. It’s almost nostalgic at this point. My least favorite song from this subsection is “10 Things I Hate About You” by Leah Kate, and honestly, it’s not particularly close. I just hate everything about it, every solitary thing, and I will be very surprised if this doesn’t end up making several major publications’ worst of the year lists.
I mentioned that “U Love U” felt sloppily written, but this feels like it was written in thirty seconds, in the worst way. The verses are boring and only feel like vehicles to get to the choruses, which is a bad sign considering those are even worse. You could tell an artificial intelligence to write a song called “10 Things I Hate About You” and it would probably make verses way more substantial. But again, the real problem is that obnoxious chorus.
It’s not necessarily as self-righteous as “Kinda Over It,” but only because this barely has the ambitions to make it that far. Now, I knew from the first time I heard this song in a TikTok that it was awful, but I can pinpoint exactly when I knew without a doubt that it would top this list. It was when I saw a video of people reacting to the chorus, and then they treat “talk a big game until you’re naked, only six seconds and I had to fake it” as some incredible own in the guy’s favor. At that moment, I absolutely lost it, and every other terrible thing about this song opened up for me.
I hate the way she squeals out the words “mommy issues,” but I especially hate the way she sings the last line of the chorus with remorse in her voice like she wasn’t spending the rest of the song trying to act like a badass. At least “Kinda Over It” kept to its own rules. This just steals an exact line from Miley Cyrus’ own “7 Things” and calls it a day. Not only is she tainting the name of one of my favorite comfort movies, but this premise has been done before, so much better. The Internet says that Leah Kate is twenty-six, I looked it up out of curiosity. I’m pretty sure that’s wrong, but if it’s not, then she’s definitely old enough to know better than this.
And that’s the list. Hopefully, it doesn’t take me another six months to make another piece, but until next time, take care of yourself and have a good night.
The Plath Sierra 